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Heart To Heart

Monday, July 09, 2018

Pre-marital ‘non-response’
I am going to be married soon, but when I was courting with my fiancée I found that she was not getting aroused. In spite of my best efforts I was not able to arouse her and she too was not affected by my touching. Is it normal?

It seems that you are entering into an arranged marriage. If this is so, then what you are facing is a common problem. You are probably going too fast too soon. The sexuality of a woman is predominantly heart-centred. She needs to feel emotionally close to you for her to get aroused. I would advise you to go slow with your caressing as she maybe feeling shy and awkward. Instead, you could win her heart by romancing her. Not being hasty physically, but instead understanding her hesitation, will make her feel emotionally close to you. And when this happens, she will be more than willing to share intimacy with you.

If after implementing my advice you still feel that things are not warming up between both of you, then a counselling session with a good sex counsellor would be in order. This would take care of any myths or misconceptions that she maybe carrying about physical intimacy, and also give her an opportunity to come up with her queries, if any.

Wife has dumped me!
I am 30-year-old man. I was married, have one child; but my wife has left me one year ago. She does not want to talk to me or have any relations with me. To the best of my understanding I did not hurt her ever in any way; but somehow she wants to stay away from me. What to do? Should I get into another relationship? I need love.  I feel lonely.  What should I do?

It is important to know the reasons why your wife has separated from you, in order to know whether a reconciliation is possible or not. However, there will have to be a counsellor’s intervention so that the reasonable needs of both partners are taken into consideration before deciding. If the reasons given by her are valid and if her reasonable needs are not being satisfied by you in the relationship, and if you do not even admit it or do not want to do anything about it from your side, then a divorce is inevitable. In that case you need to get into personal counselling to understand yourself better before getting into another relationship. This is extremely important or else you may land up in a similar position again. It is also possible that your wife has her own issues which have nothing to do with you. In that case, if she is not willing to admit and work on her own issues, a divorce is again inevitable.

In either case, it would be worthwhile seeing a counsellor to discuss the issue at length. This will help you gain in insight about yourself and about what kind of stimulus you put forth in your relationships. This will enable you to remove any contaminants that you may be bringing to the relationship and learn to contribute more positively in any relationship. You will also be able to have an ‘emotional closure’ with your wife and move on in your life on a healthy note.

Live in real world
I fell in love with a girl when I was in class 11th. She lived in close neighbourhood. I decided that I won't let my love to be a problem in my studies as I was a good student at that time. She was a source of inspiration for me. I studied hard and was selected in a reputed engineering college. Now after
one year, the family of that girl moved to some other city. Then I told about my love to my mother. She had a few objections with the girl. 1. She was elder than me.

2. Acoording to my mother, she wasn't intelligent, as she didn't get good grades in studies.

3. Mom said that you are also not old enough to decide on such topics. I also thought that it may be an infatuation and may be I am not old enough, so for that time I ignored the matter with great difficulties. Now two years have passed and there hasn't been a single day when she doesn't come to my mind. In fact earlier I had created a world of myself in my mind.. Which consisted of dreams of just her and me. I have this world with me today also. As a matter of fact.. I didn't have much conversation with the girl but just loved her on the basis of facts I knew about her form others. She also didn't clearly mentioned that she loved me.. But I interpreted that from her actions.

The situation was such that I had her as one of my target of studies.. And then I believed that everything could be achieved with studies. Since I couldn't get her, this has seriously affected my studies too; I am an average student now.

What is the right thing to do in such a situation? On one side I have my parents whom I don't want to resent and on the other side is my love. My responsibility demanded sacrifice and I am trying to that but I have lost interest in studies because I think that for whom I am doing so much.. Any girl which my parent decide to choose for me..and whom I might not be able to love.

You have created a fantasy world for yourself without ever having spoken to this girl. You do not even know for sure whether she has the same feelings
for you as you have for her. And your real world is not satisfying you in comparison with your fantasy. The only way out is to know for sure whether
she reciprocates your feelings. Try to get her address through neighbours and friends, and then contact her to know the truth. The answer will be either Yes or No. If she reciprocates your feelings then your fantasy will become a reality and your parents will have to accept the reality.

On the other hand, if she is not interested then your illusory world will get dismantled which is good.  You can then find fulfillment in the real world.

As far as your studies are concerned, making a girl as your goal and studies as the way to your goal is not a really healthy thing to do. You need to work hard and strive to achieve for your own self-worth, and not for anyone else.

You have a unique purpose in life and a unique contribution to make in this world, as all other human beings. So you need to live the best life you can live to fulfill your purpose in life. That is a healthy goal and a healthy motivation. So make the most of the gifts and talents you are blessed with, and work towards being the best of who you can be “for yourself”.

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