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Heart To Heart

Tuesday, May 28, 2019

Is he two-timing?
I am going steady with my boyfriend of two years. Everything was fine between us till few days back his distant cousin came between us.  She stays far away but they started writing romantic Emails and SMSs to each other. When I protested against this I was told that I am narrow minded and wrong and I should not doubt. He once called her up at night at 12 and talked with her till the morning 4. He says he loves me but then why is he getting involved with his cousin? What do I do in this situation?

Your partner obviously wants to have his cake and eat it too. And this does not seem to be going down very well with you. You have every right to feel upset about his double standards and lack of care and commitment towards you. We think you should be very explicit in your communication about how his actions make you feel. Talk about your feelings and ask him what he is going to do about it. If he understands what it is doing to you emotionally and mends his ways then it is O.K. But if he tries to say that you should not feel this way and that his actions are fine, or says that he loves you and continues in the same way, then get into couple therapy with him with any good counsellor, or if he does not agree to it, then get out of the relationship at once. You deserve better!

Aversion for Kissing
I have a rare problem: my husband doesn’t kiss me the way I like it. I desire deep kissing during lovemaking or it feels impersonal. The best he can do is a quick pucker. I try but he stiffens and pulls away and my arousal disappears. We make love often and have a two-year-old son. I feel as if my sex life is inadequate. I have tried to show him what I want but he seems totally incapable of understanding. He is a wonderful man and feels he is failing me, and rather than add to his hurt, I simply keep my mouth shut, literally! Please tell me that I don't have to live with this for the rest of my life.  

I have heard of women with your concern. There are several possibilities in such cases. Most of the time the cause is a deep-rooted psychological ‘bias’ related to kissing or even with intimacy in general, mostly due to physical and/or psychological trauma in the earlier years of his life. He may or may not be consciously aware of its origin (causative factor) in his childhood, which is hidden in his subconscious mind. May be as a child he was excessively kissed by relatives and did not like it. There is a possibility that he was sexually abused by someone that involved oral stimulation and he felt painfully helpless in that experience and despised it. Probably he is afraid of the degree of intimacy that is involved with the type of kissing you desire. Maybe the problem stems from something as simple as bad breath, real or imagined. May be he thinks he has a bad breath and doesn't want to kiss because of that, or may be he feels you have it and he doesn't want to hurt your feelings. There might be many other reasons. It is possible to help him, and you as couple, if he is willing to take help from an expert. Do consult a sex counsellor who is experienced in handling such cases. He will require ‘psychoanalysis’ as well as ‘psychotherapy’ to get easy with kissing and intimacy. You don't have to live the rest of your life without being kissed!  

Follow Your Heart
I want to take up the career in 'Psychology'. My father is a businessman. He wants me to get degree in Commerce, which doesn't interest me at all. I love my father. I don't want to displease him. He has done a lot for me. But at the same time I don't want to take a career that I don't like. What should I do?

Your father has lived his life and you have to live your own. I am sure your father has the best of intentions at heart as all other well-meaning parents. But, you can only be the best of who you are, and not the best of who he wants you to be. If Psychology is truly your passion and your calling, so be it. Get into it and give it your very best. When your father sees your joy and passion, how could he not be happy for you? But if he stubbornly sticks to his stance, then he and only he is responsible for his own unhappiness. You need to follow your heart and fulfill the purpose of your life. Of course, it is important for you to be sure of your own interest in Psychology. If you are sure, then dedicatedly pursue your goals without looking back.

When it is Difficult to Trust
I am 24 year old.... single and depressed.  My trust has been betrayed so often by close ones... I now find it difficult to trust any more..... Help

Any intimate relationship is based on love and trust. It is not normally questioned in the relationship, because its presence in the relationship is normally assumed.  One does not live in a relationship suspecting betrayal of this love and trust. Such a betrayal of trust strips you of everything you thought you knew. Now you are left asking yourself the question all the time, ‘What’s true? Is this true? Should I believe it?’ After such betrayal it takes a long time to come to some sense and have some rationale in your thoughts. Despite this, one should never get into a shell, but risk being a little vulnerable. This brings great rewards; or else you will miss out on love & life. And opportunities of meaningful relationships will simply pass you by. “Not taking a risk is the biggest risk of all”.

Sexual Position and Conception
We got married four months back. We are eager to have a child. Which is the ‘ideal’ position of intercourse for conception to happen? Secondly, after he ejaculates inside me how long does he have to stay inside me? Thirdly, after we have had sex, do I have to keep my legs up? How long does it take for the sperm to go inside? Fourthly, can I wash myself up after sex? Fifthly, what are the best days for having sex?

If the penis is in the vagina and ejaculation happens, then ANY position is OK for conception. He need not stay inside you for any specific duration after ejaculation for conception to take place.

You need not keep your legs up. Sperms can swim in any direction, even against gravity. You can wash yourself normally after sex. Never try to wash your vagina from inside at any time, whether you wish to conceive or even otherwise. Have sexual intercourse on alternate days from the 10th. to the 22nd. day of the menstrual cycle.

Heart To Heart Counselling Centre runs Certificate courses in Counselling & Sex Education at 10 Jerbai Baug, Byculla (E), Mumbai-27.
Tel: 23755866 / 9821093902.

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