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Heart To Heart

Monday, July 30, 2018

Talking to Children about sex
I am a mother of two growing children who have asked me questions about sex. I know, I need to talk to them about sex. I wonder, why do I feel uncomfortable talking about Sex with my children? What do I do about it?

Most of the parents feel this way, and It is not surprising. Invariably reasons are as follows.

  • Many of us were taught that sex is too "dirty" for words.
  • Many of us feel that talking about sex is unladylike or ungentlemanly.
  • Many of us are afraid that we do not have all the answers.
  • It is hard for some of us to admit our children are sexual.
  • It is even hard for some of us to admit that we are sexual.
  • And many of us ‘fear’ the possible sexual feelings between our children and us.

But we can be open with them about our feelings. You can use an opening line like, "This is hard for me to talk about. My parents and I never discussed these things. But I want you to have someone to talk with, so feel free to ask me " .

Do not cover up your feelings or avoid the issue. That will make matters worse. Start a conversation, keep it going, and be open from the beginning. Just remember - information about sexuality is as important as food, shelter, and loving care. If you still feel that despite getting comfortable you don’t have all the answers, then you could take your children for a sex education session to a sex counsellor.

Expression of feelings is not a crime
My name is Alka. I am 24 yrs old. In my 24 yrs of life, I never had love  nor proposed to anyone. Last year I completed my postgraduation and currently i am working in an reputed organisation. But, suddenly i got attracted to one particular guy who is also working in the same organisation. For the past two years, he is also working in the same organization and he is my service lead and team leader. But, I am newly joined. We used to have chat only officially. Always i used to ping him through messenger or call him through phone and clarify official doubts with him. Not even once he called or ping me. Since i liked him, i proposed my feeling to him on feb 14th through phone. When i proposed to him , he was in Chennai on deputation. But, He rejected my love very politely saying that he is already engaged with someone. Now, my problem is, I am not at all worried about the denial of my love. But, we are working in the same project and i am worried whether he will tell this to my office colleagues which will create very bad impression towards me. When i come to office now, i have a feeling that my colleagues are looking at me strangely. Now, I have a feeling why i proposed to a guy who is also senior and working in same orgnisation. I feel so guilty and work with him now. How can i come out of this feeling? Can u please Suggest or provide a solution to me through this mail?

Valentine’s Day is meant for expressing one’s feelings, which are sometimes reciprocated and sometimes not. Exploring relationships is not a crime.

You were right in proposing to him on Valentine’s Day, as if you had not done so, you would have never known whether he reciprocated your feelings. Now that you know he is engaged, you are free to move on and explore other relationships.

As far as your anxiety about your colleagues knowing about this issue is concerned, there is absolutely nothing to fear. You have done nothing wrong in boldly and honestly expressing your feelings and there is no reason for guilt. Remember that being pro-active is not an offence. You are a woman of the 21st century, and today honest expression of feelings is not frowned upon but instead viewed with respect. Moreover, you have been graceful and dignified in receiving the news of his engagement elsewhere. You have in fact shown rare courage, and should in fact feel proud of yourself for handling the issue so well.

Cleanliness & Attraction
We are married for about three years. My wife lacks the sense of cleanliness. She does not go for waxing regularly. Her armpits always stink. She does not dress up well. Due to her unhygienic habits and shabby get up, I do not feel like having sex with her. I get attracted to other women who are well-groomed. What do I do?

It is important that you bring to her notice very gently and lovingly, your discomfort with the unpleasant odor and any other unhygienic habits. Also suggest to her what she could actively do to eliminate all that, like waxing, using deodorant etc. In fact you could gift her with a beauty salon appointment and a deodorant. However take care to appreciate the person that she is. Go beyond appearances. Your wife is much more than her body. She is bound to have some good qualities as a wife and the mother of your child. A fulfilling relationship is based on love, care and understanding. Understand that your wife is not responsible for her lack of hygiene or aesthetic sense, because she has probably been brought up in such an environment and lacked exposure to the finer aspects of life. However she is definitely responsible for doing something about it, and here is where you come into the picture. You could very lovingly and actively help her with this transition and grow closer in the bargain.

Do Not Be In A Hurry
I am 21 and I have a girl friend who is also 21 (few months elder to me). My girlfriend has more experience than me as she was involved earlier in a relationship. I get strong urges to make out with her and wish to want to turn her on often but I’ve only done it once and I feel like an amateur and like I get nervous when things get hot. How do I deal with this feeling and this situation?

If you are talking about casual sex, then the heart is not involved, with the result that there is a need to impress and score points because of a fear that you are being evaluated against others. If your girlfriend is also with you for a casual fling then she could very possibly be ‘rating’ your performance. However, if both of you are deeply emotionally involved with each other and are committed to each other, then there is no cause for fear. Sex is beautiful only if it is the culmination of a heart connection and even so, it is just one of the many ways to share intimacy with each other. So, if your girlfriend truly cares for you she will love and accept you for who you are and not for the type of sexual feats you can perform. Relax and do not be in a hurry to consummate this relationship. Know each other better and let nothing less than true love turn both of you on.

Heart To Heart Counselling Centre runs Certificate courses in Counselling & Sex Education at 10 Jerbai Baug, Byculla (E), Mumbai-27.
Tel: 23755866 / 9821093902.

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