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Heart To Heart

Monday, December 25, 2017

Erectile dysfunction
I am married for seven years. My age is 34. Lately, since last six months or so, I am finding difficulty in getting erection during intercourse. Even if I get one, it is invariably weak and soft. What should I do to get this problem cured?

Your condition is medically termed as erectile dysfunction. The treatment depends on the cause of your erectile dysfunction. There are many organic (physical) as well as psychogenic causes for this problem. If it is due to psychogenic or situational causes, the treatment will be “sex counselling” and “supportive therapy”. If the cause is organic or constitutional, then appropriate medical or surgical measures will have to be undertaken. It is necessary to find out the cause (diagnosis) of this problem first, through history taking, examination and investigations. Once the cause is found, only then can the treatment be advised.

Self-destructive path
I am a 31-year-old married man. I have a very good wife and cute daughter. I have a good friend from last 3 years. I am emotionally attached to her and she also knows it.  She has never showed any sexual interest in me.  Lately I am feeling an urge to have sex with her but fear to express it to her. What do I do?

You have got yourself into quite a fix haven’t you?

There are 3 levels of functioning in a person ~ the level of ‘experience’ , the level of ‘awareness of the experience’ and the level of ‘decision’. If you are experiencing attraction and are aware of what you are experiencing it is okay uptil that point. But when you nurse and nurture this attraction and also want to translate your fantasies into reality, I must say that you are walking on a “self-destructive path”.

If you need to look outside your marriage for fulfillment of your emotional needs and now physical needs too, then it is a sure indicator that there is a problem in the marriage, however much you may deny it. There could be something that you need and are not getting either because you have not expressed it ,or else your wife is not willing to fulfill these needs. However at this point, I must specify that there is a difference between a ‘need’ and a ‘want’, which brings us to the other reason for looking outside your marriage, i.e.  if your legitimate and valid ‘needs’ are being fulfilled, but your ‘wants’ and ‘desires’ are not being fulfilled. If so then you need to explore why you are driven  to put your marriage at risk and perhaps even sacrifice the happiness of your family ( good wife and cute daughter ) at the altar of your desires. Very often such compulsive behavior has its roots in your past. For this your psycho-sexual history needs to be explored.

I would strongly recommend that you see a counsellor at your earliest, so that you can gain in clarity about yourself and the direction of your life. Do not make any decision without such clarity or else you may spend a lifetime regretting the choices that you have made.

Orgasm can lead to bladder spasms
I am one of those women who do not get orgasm while having sexual intercourse but can get it only by masturbation. I masturbate, but after I achieve orgasm, I get painful bladder spasms - sometimes even hours later. Is masturbating causing this?

No matter how it is achieved, orgasm can lead to bladder spasms in some women. Orgasm produces contractions in many muscles throughout the body – particularly the uterus, the vagina and the bladder. When any muscle contraction is stronger and stays longer, it is experienced as a spasm.

Another possibility is that by masturbating, you may also be inadvertently introducing bacteria into your urinary bladder, causing bladder infection. Maintain good hygiene. Wash your hands before you masturbate to decrease this risk. The same process can also occur during intercourse, which can "push" vaginal bacteria into the urethral opening.

It is also possible that you may have a condition called ‘interstitial cystitis’ i.e. an inflammation of the bladder wall. However, if you have interstitial cystitis, it is unlikely that pain with orgasm would be the only symptom. If you also have pelvic pain, urinary urgency or burning, you need to be evaluated for this condition.

Wife not interested in sex
I’m a 43yrs man and physically and sexually very active and. My wife is 44 years old and has been very active physically & sexually we both enjoy making love very much. But during the past 6 to 9 months she does not seem very interested in having sex. In spite of her having a couple of orgasm each time we make love. What I want to know that can I give her some kind of sex booster (like viagara for men) which is easily available in India without her knowing {If she comes to know that the drug is for arousing her she will not feel very happy about making love) I do not want to force her to make love to me and do not want to seek pleasure outside my marriage. We used to make love 2-3 times a week now it takes much longer time for me to arouse her after 15-20 minutes of foreplay but then she enjoys the lovemaking. Pls advise.

What is happening is the natural result of ageing. Your wife is nearing menopause, and her female hormones are declining. As a result, it is taking her longer to get aroused. She may be having inadequate lubrication too. You need to understand this as a normal and natural process and help her through it if you can. You say that she still enjoys lovemaking. So what’s the problem? You will need to continue the foreplay till she is aroused, so I would advise that you stop looking at the clock!! There is no sex booster like Viagra for women.

Having said that, the relationship between a husband and wife is much more than just sexual intercourse. Sharing intimacy and closeness through other meaningful ways could take your relationship to a completely different level. You are both life partners not only sexual partners, maybe it is time that both of you explore other dimensions of your married life.

Heart To Heart Counselling Centre runs Certificate courses in Counselling & Sex Education at 10 Jerbai Baug, Byculla (E), Mumbai-27.
Tel: 23755866 / 9821093902.

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