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Heart To Heart

Monday, November 27, 2017

History need not repeat itself
My Boyfriend and I have been going out a little over a month. He says he really likes me, and I really like him. He reminds me of my older brother, has the same temper, and it worries me cause my brother has an assault charge, cause he hit his wife. How can I be sure that he won’t hit me, if he loses his temper? Am I worrying over nothing, cause of the memories that haunt me of my older brother? He's 19 and I’m 18.

Firstly, history need not repeat itself i.e. your boyfriend need not behave like your brother as they are two different persons, BUT, one must learn from history and be aware i.e. see whether your boyfriend expresses his anger in socially acceptable ways or not. If there are signs of verbal abuse or even a push or a shove, then beware, this could be a sign for things to come – put an end to it immediately by asserting yourself with him; he must know that you will not stand for this. However, if he gets angry due to a difference of opinion, expresses it through words without humiliating you and attacking your self-worth, and sorts out the difference through communication, then he is normal and there is nothing to be concerned about. However, both of you are still young; understand each other better before you get serious about the relationship.

Psychogenic erectile dysfunction
I read your piece in masturbation few weeks ago. It was very pacifying. I can attain very good erection whenever I masturbate in my privacy, however when I attempted sexual intercourse with my fiancé last week, I could not achieve good erection and thus could not perform intercourse. Why did such a thing happen? I am deeply disturbed. Please guide.

It is a common occurrence. Sex before marriage is invariably associated with guilt, hesitation, fear and self-doubt. These feelings affect the erection (Psychogenic erectile dysfunction). Moreover, girls with a moral upbringing are invariably reluctant to indulge, or fail to actively participate in intercourse before marriage. Invariably, they agree for intercourse only under emotional compulsion and thus fail to give a free and spontaneous response during the act. The lack of response from the partner also affects one’s level of sexual excitement and subsequently the erection.

Don’t rush into sex
I am 24 and soon getting married. I just wanted to know what does a newly married girl expect from her husband on first night? and what are the need of a girl during sex ? and how should I approach her for sex ? Can I approach her for sex right on the first night? Will it be fine?

First of all, a lot depends on whether it is a love marriage or an arranged marriage. If it is a love marriage then I would presume that a meeting of the minds, sharing of feelings, hopes and dreams, and some level of intimacy would already have taken place. You would have already understood each other to a certain degree and bonded with each other, which is the foundation of physical intimacy. On the other hand, in an arranged marriage, all the above has yet to happen, and if you rush into physical intimacy without having laid the foundation of the relationship, it may be very awkward and embarrassing for her. Therefore, if you are entering an arranged marriage, your first goal must be to become her ‘friend’ and make her your ‘friend’. Don’t rush into sex. Even if you spend your first night and honeymoon developing a friendship and a bond it is okay, in fact even advisable (which is unlike what many of your friends and relatives would advise). After developing an emotional closeness, physical closeness very naturally will happen, and it is best to let it ‘happen’.

Having said that, whether in a love marriage or arranged, there must be adequate and foreplay before you get into the actual act. A woman needs a much longer foreplay than a man, in order to be aroused, and it is only when she is aroused, that she will enjoy the act with you and also be satisfied. If you rush her, then it may not only leave her dissatisfied, but may also result in pain, which is not the best way to start any relationship.

Diabetes and erectile dysfunction
I am a married man with three children. Now days during sexual intercourse my penis does not have enough strength and does not get hard to have a successful intercourse. I am a diabetic with sugar level of 227 fasting. Doc, please help me urgently.

Your blood sugar level is high. It is suggestive of diabetes mellitus. The inability to attain and maintain an erection is termed as ‘Erectile Dysfunction’ and commonly occurs in those suffering from diabetes mellitus. The prevalence of erectile dysfunction in diabetes ranges from 35% - 75%. Uncontrolled diabetes affects the blood vessels as well as causes neuropathy, due to which one starts finding difficulty with having an erection.

To treat the erectile dysfunction, you will have to first get yourself properly treated for diabetes. Once your diabetes is controlled through diet and medication, your erectile problem may get corrected itself, or then it will be easier to treat it even separately.

Get real
I have been smitten by a married lady! I really am head over heels about her but I am not too sure whether to proceed ahead with the overtures. There is enormous attraction & equal amount of guilt because she is married! I AM JUST GOING INSANE THINKING ABOUT HER PLEASE ADVICE THE RIGHT WAY

This fantasy world of yours is sure to leave you more and more emotionally distraught as time goes on. Even if you proceed with her, still you will only be left psychologically de-stabilized. The best way is to get into other ‘real’, meaningful and fulfilling social relationships with your peer group in the ‘real’ world. Get busy with building a ‘real’ personal life, social life, creative life and professional life which satisfies you and you will soon start seeing this situation just as a passing phase of a growing man. The ‘right’ unattached person for you is sure to come along if only you make way for her in your heart.

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Dr. Rajan B. Bhonsle, M.D. (Bom)
Consulting Sex Therapist & Counsellor
Dr. (Mrs.) Minnu R. Bhonsle, Ph.D.
Consulting Psychotherapist & Counsellor
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