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Heart To Heart

Monday, November 20, 2017

Penetration is painful
I recently got married. It was an arranged marriage. The few times I tried to penetrate into vagina, it was extremely painful for my wife. She is 23 and I am 27. Now she is very reluctant to make love. It seems like something is blocking her vaginal opening. What should we do?

Many girls carry an apprehension about sexual intercourse and therefore are unable to comfortably respond during the first few experiences of intercourse. This may also happen because her emotional involvement in this relationship is not yet ripe.

A woman’s sexuality is usually “heart oriented”. A woman usually gets aroused only when she is emotionally involved with the husband. Wait a little. Don’t rush things. Let her relax into this relationship. If things still do not change, then there might be a physical cause. A tight hymen also can cause this problem. For this, she requires an examination by a gynecologist.

Fantasy of rape
I am a 26-year-old married woman. Very often I indulge into a fantasy of being raped by someone. I read somewhere that all women carry this fantasy in their mind. Is it normal to have such a fantasy? Kindly clarify.

It is true that there are some women (not all) who at some point or the other in their lives carry the fantasy of being taken sexually or being swept off their feet. These fantasies are common but not universal. This idea is played up a lot by some western fiction, pornographic literature and even the mass media.

It is important to note that there is a great difference between a self-projected fantasy and an actual rape. Fantasies are our own creation, and thus we have control over it. It can be a great ‘turn on’ for some, but it is not the reality. In reality, rape is a violent act, forced and unwarned, over which a victim has no control at all.

Very often it is seen that a fantasy is necessary when there is a lack of emotional intimacy between partners and sex is merely a physical activity. Therefore, both you and your husband need to deeply examine your relationship, either on your own individually, or with the help of a good counsellor, to determine what can be done to enhance the emotional intimacy so that such fantasies are not required.

What is true love?
I love reading your answers in this column. Your answers make a lot of sence. You are both very sincere in answering readers’ queries. I am tempted to ask you one question. What is the meaning of true love?

True love means extending yourself beyond ego boundaries.

True love is ‘other-centered’ and not ‘self-centered’. If in your relationship you are asking yourself the question, ‘ What am I giving in this relationship?’ instead of ‘ What am I getting out of this relationship?’, it is true love. Two people truly love each other only when they are quite capable of living without each other but choose to live with each other.

Cuts during intercourse
I am a 27-year-old married man. I am very faithful in my sexual relationship with my wife. I have very clean habits. Every time we indulge is sexual intercourse, my penis gets cuts and abrasions due to the rubbing action. What is the solution of this problem?

Lack of ‘adequate’ lubrication is invariably the only cause for such complaints. Early penetration while the vagina is still dry, can cause the cuts.  

Engage in a relaxed and prolonged foreplay for at least 20 minutes before intercourse, so that the lubrication from both sides is adequate. Good foreplay is one, when both the partners are ‘more than willing’ and enjoy pleasuring each other. Adequate foreplay will produce natural lubrication, and that will solve the problem.

Effective assertiveness is the key
My best friend and I have known each other for over 10 years. We have good time with each other and share an excellent rapport. However, she is a little dominating and always wants me to follow her everywhere. I don’t really mind that. But, lately I have noticed that she’s been stealing money from my purse. I have tried to confront her (indirectly), but she always has some excuse and I have to let go. This has been bothering me a lot. I am afraid to ask her about this directly, and I don’t want to lose her as a friend. Is there some other way to tackle this situation? Please suggest.

Effective assertiveness is the key. You have said that you have ‘not minded’ her dominating attitude, and that you have ‘let go’ of the issue when she made excuses, and are ‘afraid’ of direct communication. By your unassertive/submissive attitude and behavior, you have in fact, given her the message for 10 years that she can get away with anything with you, and therefore, she has never felt the need to turn within and reflect on her own disrespectful conduct towards you in this relationship. Therefore, in a way you have allowed the problem to grow to this magnitude. We teach people how to treat us; and you have, through your own passivity, taught her to ill-treat you. A ‘true friendship’ is one where one has the courage to honestly and directly mirror the other’s wrongs and the one receiving the mirroring, receives it humbly and non-defensively, knowing and trusting that it is in the spirit of friendship. If you say there is a risk of ‘losing’ her as a ‘friend’, and if she does break off the ‘friendship’ with you, you would have actually lost nothing, as she would have proved that she is not a ‘friend’, does not consider you as a ‘friend’, and that there was no true ‘friendship’ to begin with, but just an illusion of one, which has now broken. However, it is better for the illusion to break so that you can be liberated from it and move on to building more healthier and true friendships, which are mutually respectful. Therefore, with this thought that you stand to lose nothing, but only stand to gain and reclaim your own space for respect, go ahead and directly tell her that her conduct is unacceptable to you.

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