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Heart To Heart

Monday, October 30, 2017

For name sake
I am to marry my boyfriend in the next two months. This is as perfect a relationship as it can get. However, we have been having this debate about me changing my last name to his. Now, I do love him. But, I don’t want to give up my identity like this. But, I know if I change my name, it will make him extremely happy. However, I am not too comfortable with this idea. So, what should I do?

The change of name is just symbolic of being a couple, nothing more and nothing less. You can either choose to take a very feminist perspective and call it a loss of identity (which it is not), or you can see it as a romantic gesture of declaring couplehood to yourselves and feel happy about it. How you choose to view it will dictate how you feel about it. It is too petty a matter to make an issue of. Of course, if there is a great inconvenience in changing the surname because of some official documents, because of which you have to retain your maiden surname for awhile, I do not think even that should be made a huge thing of. On one hand you say, it will make him happy if you adopt his surname, and on the other hand there is a debate over it. If something like this becomes a cause of debate, then the relationship definitely lacks maturity. Do not let a non-issue become an issue, one way or the other, and ruin a ‘perfect relationship’ in your own words.

Prevalence of sexual problems in men
My husband has been experiencing the inability to get a proper erection since the last two weeks. Is it true that every man experiences sexual problems sometime in his life?

It is true! Practically every normal man experiences either lack of desire, erectile dysfunction or ejaculatory problems at some point or the other in his life. Such incidents are usually related to stress (at work place or in relationships), medications, alcohol, drugs, exhaustion, disharmony in the relationship or financial loss. The dysfunction is invariably temporary and most men have the good sense to understand and accept this. However, some men are very touchy and sensitive; or then such perfectionists that a single episode of failure to perform sexually can lead to anticipatory anxiety in them. They start experiencing performance anxiety. The self-imposed pressure to perform leads to more difficulty the next time. A snowball effect gets developed, and the man ends up with a chronic rather than a transient trouble. Fortunately, most women are adequately understanding of the occasional failures a man can experience, and do not create a big issue out of it.

Locate your own vulnerabilities
I am a 25-year-old working woman living with my three sisters. Our parents passed away in an air crash more than a decade ago. I've been seeing a guy for the past two years. We were serious about each other, or at least I thought so. But recently, my elder sister confided in me that some days earlier, she and my boyfriend got physically intimate! When I confronted my boyfriend, he confessed that he no longer loved me and wanted to be with my sister, who is okay with the idea too. I am completely shattered and feel that I should move out of the house instead of living a nightmare everyday. Please help!

I cannot even begin to imagine the deep sense of hurt and betrayal you must be feeling due to the insensitive conduct of two people who were supposed to be your near and dear ones and who presumably cared for you. What you are experiencing right now is post-traumatic stress, and extricating yourself from this toxic environment till you heal, is recommended. You could take time off from work to go for a meditation retreat, or then take a break at your company’s guesthouse ( if any ), if you have some accumulated leave to your credit. You could also meet a counselor to work through these painful feelings and overcome the sense of loss of two close relationships together. More important however, is for you to go back in time, and look into how the relationship with your boyfriend began, why you hooked up together, what were the dynamics between the two of you, what did you know about his values regarding  flirtatiousness outside a relationship and fidelity in a relationship, and were there any clues about his wavering commitment throughout these two years that were staring you in your face, but which you chose to ignore.  Though it will be a painful process, doing a post-mortem today after the death of this relationship, will do you a world of good. It will help you locate your own vulnerabilities, your own subconscious pay-offs in relationships, and the stimulus you tend to put out in relationships that makes others disregard your feelings. Remember, we teach people how to treat us. You need to start treating yourself better, live with self-love and dignity, and make sure that you put out a clear message to all so that no one dares to take you for granted again.

Stop deluding oneself
This is for my dear friend who loved a girl; they met each other through chatting. After some days the girl ditched him but today still he is hopeful that the girl loves him on the other hand the girl never contacted him ever she does not respond to him. He is getting really mad. What would be the probable solution according to you?

Your friend needs to acknowledge the reality and stop deluding himself. Though he must be feeling that it is the end of the world, he needs to know that there is a long and wonderful life ahead waiting for him. You as his friend should get him out into social life again. Chat room friendships are more often than not, extremely superficial. Those who find difficulty relating normally and are socially awkward, are those who resort to chatting. It also provides a safety route if one wants to back out and disappear into oblivion. Therefore, psychologically speaking, chatroom friendships are not the healthiest relationships. There is a more real, exciting and fulfilling life outside the chatroom, which your friend needs to experience, so that he can move on. If he continues to delude himself, then he would need to see a psychotherapist.

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I recently got married. It was an arranged marria
Dr. Rajan B. Bhonsle, M.D. (Bom)
Consulting Sex Therapist & Counsellor
Dr. (Mrs.) Minnu R. Bhonsle, Ph.D.
Consulting Psychotherapist & Counsellor
Astrology
Select Sun sign:
 
Aries (Mar 21 - Apr 20)
Aries (Mar 21 - Apr 20)While work seems to be under control with great possibilities of further improvement the problem seems to be the home front. Developments in family create an air of uncertainty. Elders and youngsters alike may turn to you to find a solution. You have to be impartial considering that you do not approve of the conduct of one of your relatives. Your beloved may also feel a bit low and neglected.
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