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Heart To Heart

Monday, October 23, 2017

I am Over with Him
I have been dating my boyfriend for four years now. But, of late I do not feel any connection or attachment with him. It’s not that I am in love with anyone else. I just feel that the relationship is not going forward and we are doing things like its mandatory. For instance, we call each other once a day, just because we have to. And, there are many more such events. How do I break it to my boyfriend that it is not going ahead? I don’t want to hurt him. And, is my feeling like this justified or can I do something to work this relationship? Please help.

The ‘honeymoon period’ of your relationship seems to be over, and with the relationship settling into a more ‘taken for granted’ mode, you are not finding it as stimulating. It is imperative that you realize that no relationship can remain on ‘cloud 9’ forever, and that the initial excitement invariably changes to a more comfortable companionship. This is the nature of all long-term committed relationships where a comfort level sets in. Maturely understanding this fact, and creating some ‘fun togetherness’, is what loving and committed partners do, to keep the relationship fresh and fulfilling.

However, it is also equally possible that you are now realizing as you are getting to know your boyfriend better, that there are major incompatibilities between the two of you, and that your values and lifestyle choices in crucial areas do not match at all. If that is the case, then you could have a frank talk with him about all those areas where the incompatibilities are the most, and tell him that both of you need to objectively evaluate whether there can be a mutually fulfilling and satisfying future for both. Seeing a counselor for couple’s counseling can also help both of you to have more clarity about the situation.

Nymphomania
I am a 26-year-old married woman. I am madly in love with my husband and often initiate love-making. My husband calls me a ‘nymphomaniac’. What is your opinion?

Desire varies from person to person. It is possible that you simply have a stronger libido than your husband. This does not mean that you are a “nymphomaniac”. Your husband probably does not know the correct meaning of the term nymphomania. “Nymphomania” is characterized by the fact that the compulsive desire of sexual intercourse exists practically all the time with any partner, without any love, just in order to satisfy a permanent sexual frustration, which involves an uncontrollable sexual instinct. It will be worthwhile, if you have a free and frank discussion with your husband on this issue and explain to him that it is your emotional closeness to him that makes you get attracted to him, and that it is a compliment to him that you desire him so much.

Inconsistent Orgasmic Experience
I have observed that sometimes it takes a long time for me to experience orgasm or sometimes I don't have one at all. Is this common, or do I have a problem?

Sexual activity, including orgasm, is influenced by our body as well as mind. On some occasions, your body might be involved but your mind is absent. In other words, you might not always be as aroused and excited as at other times. If you are preoccupied or distracted by other happenings in your life or are perhaps having relationship problems with your spouse, you might not be able to climax and experience an orgasm as easily as at other times, or perhaps not be able to have one at all. This can happen to men and women. At times, there is an organic  (physical) problem that prevents you from reaching orgasm. This would more likely cause a problem with the actual act of intercourse, which might be painful or even difficult to perform. Certain medications and large quantities of alcohol might affect your drive for sex and as a result make orgasm more difficult to achieve. Some women have never experienced orgasm but with some guidance most of them can learn to achieve an orgasm.

Inconsistent Orgasmic Experience
I have observed that sometimes it takes a long time for me to experience orgasm or sometimes I don't have one at all. Is this common, or do I have a problem?

Sexual activity, including orgasm, is influenced by our body as well as mind. On some occasions, your body might be involved but your mind is absent. In other words, you might not always be as aroused and excited as at other times. If you are preoccupied or distracted by other happenings in your life or are perhaps having relationship problems with your spouse, you might not be able to climax and experience an orgasm as easily as at other times, or perhaps not be able to have one at all. This can happen to men and women. At times, there is an organic  (physical) problem that prevents you from reaching orgasm. This would more likely cause a problem with the actual act of intercourse, which might be painful or even difficult to perform. Certain medications and large quantities of alcohol might affect your drive for sex and as a result make orgasm more difficult to achieve. Some women have never experienced orgasm but with some guidance most of them can learn to achieve an orgasm.

External Vulvar Eroticism
I get a lot of pleasure and orgasms by vulvar caresses but I never have orgasms by penetration, which makes my husband feel that I am not normal. Am I abnormal?

You are completely ‘normal’ and there are many women are just like you. Many women do not experience orgasms by penetration but can experience orgasms by vulvar caresses with as much pleasure as the others. You have what is termed as “external vulvar eroticism”. It is difficult for some men to accept the fact that their penis does not give pleasure to their partner. It is therefore necessary to explain to your husband that the eroticism of one need not match with others and that sexuality is not only the union of a penis and a vagina!

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I recently got married. It was an arranged marria
Dr. Rajan B. Bhonsle, M.D. (Bom)
Consulting Sex Therapist & Counsellor
Dr. (Mrs.) Minnu R. Bhonsle, Ph.D.
Consulting Psychotherapist & Counsellor
Astrology
Select Sun sign:
 
Aries (Mar 21 - Apr 20)
Aries (Mar 21 - Apr 20)While work seems to be under control with great possibilities of further improvement the problem seems to be the home front. Developments in family create an air of uncertainty. Elders and youngsters alike may turn to you to find a solution. You have to be impartial considering that you do not approve of the conduct of one of your relatives. Your beloved may also feel a bit low and neglected.
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