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Heart To Heart

Monday, July 31, 2017

When desires cloud clarity
I'm an 18yr old, the problem is that I just got out of a relationship and when I came to see my parents in the vacation, I fell very deeply in love with a close friend of mine and I've identified for myself that it wasn't because of a post relationship depression that I fell for him, I talked to him, told him exactly how I feel and found that he felt the same for me, now the monkey wrench in the works was that he already has a girlfriend who he is on the verge of breaking up with, now she wants to spend more time with him an he's in a dilemma coz he is madly in love with 2 girls and visa versa and he doesn't know what to do now, so I asked him to take time off from both of us and sit alone and make a decision, I have no choice but to wait but everyday that goes a part of me dies because I can't touch him or get close to him, I just want anything to go wrong now, I'm too deep and every bit of me wants him to be mine I get very depressed sometimes when I think about it, I cant do anything abt it!! Help me cope with this what do I do?

You seem to be in an inner conflict between what you ‘want’ versus what you ‘ought’ to do. Your asking him to take ‘time off’ from both girls to clear his head and make a decision was the right thing to do. This shows that you do have a clarity of thought and that your conscience is functioning well. However, there are moments when your desires cloud your clarity. Remember, ‘if he really wants to be with you, then there is no person or nothing that can stop him from doing that, but if he does not come back to you, he was never yours to start with, so you’ve lost nothing and it’s definitely not worth crying about’. In the meantime, you would do well to engage in a little personal prayer everyday which says, ‘Let that be done which is good for all concerned’. This will prepare you to accept gracefully all that life brings to you.

You are 18 and have a lot more to experience in life. Remember to make every experience in your life a learning experience, so that you continually grow in wisdom and maturity.

Fair share
I am a business woman aged 35 yrs. I have a son aged 9 yrs. and a daughter aged 6 yrs. I and my husband both manage the business together. I live in a joint family of complete 15 people. My husband (aged 42 yrs) is the eldest son and he has 1 yonger brother (aged 39). We operate business under partnership firm in which my husband, myself, his brother, his wife (housewife) and his father (sleeping partner) are the partners. The major business is handled by myself, my husband and some part by his brother. My husband has a nature of sharing everything with complete family. He had purchased a house which he did it on his brothers name, then office premises he did so on firms name, then godown premises he did so on his fathers name, then finally shop which also he did so on firms name.  We partners get equal salary of Rs. 5,000 per month each irrespective of what profits the working partners have incurred to the company.
I have a good business report in the market and have always played major role in huge profits at one go. His brother only follows the work given to him but himself he is no fruitful.

I don't agree to my husband’s view of not considering himself or me in any special way. He gives equal value to me in comparison to his brother’s wife who is just a housewife. She keeps the nature of comparing herself with me in every aspects whether buying anything and etc. which irritates me a lot. She tries to prove that she is of equal level as to me. And due to all these reasons I have been keeping very upset and I am fighting with him for such points. But he s not want to understand me, In return he nags at me saying that I don't understand him. I being a lady have the potentiality of working like a man & has proved that. Then why doesn't he understand? Our relationship has spoiled completely and no sense of love has been left. He is a person who will never take by himself for any trips or shopping or even had gifted in 10 yrs any gift by himself. I need to ask him all the time. He will never even take for a movie or any outing ever by himself. He is happy if I keep working without getting tired. He has no values for woman like me because of which I get frustated always and find no charm in life. Even though we are well-off but there is no peace of mind & soul.


Please advice me if I am wrong, and advice me to tackle the present moments.
I completely empathise with your frustration as you do not seem to be proportionately rewarded for all your efforts in the business either financially, or through voluntary gestures by your husband in the form of gifts or verbal appreciation for your contribution to the success of the business.

Your husband seems to have a dire need to appear as ‘Mr. Nice Guy’ and probably is needy of approval from his family. This could make him anxious and angry when you suggest being compensated appropriately and proportionate to the efforts put in the business, as the values he is holding are of keeping everything joint and equal. To help him to change his rigidly held beliefs you would need to be calm and constructive in your communication with him without being disrespectful while mentioning his brother and sister-in-law. You could also discuss the introduction of an incentive system along with the salary, so that the person who gets the client or contract, or who clinches a deal through negotiation, gets a certain percentage of the profits from that deal. This could be discussed in a family business meeting with the intervention of a sensible elder in the family.

As far as your relationship with your husband goes, it would be best to engage in couple’s therapy with a relationship counsellor, so that both of you can get an ‘emotional closure’ in the areas in which both of you have inadvertently caused hurt to each other, and establish healthy communication for problem-solving.

Heart To Heart Counselling Centre runs Certificate courses in Counselling & Sex Education at 10 Jerbai Baug, Byculla (E), Mumbai-27.
Tel: 23755866 / 9821093902.

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We are married since a few months. I am 21+ and m
Dr. Rajan B. Bhonsle, M.D. (Bom)
Consulting Sex Therapist & Counsellor
Dr. (Mrs.) Minnu R. Bhonsle, Ph.D.
Consulting Psychotherapist & Counsellor
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