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Heart To Heart

Monday, July 24, 2017

Bleed during intercourse
I am married and have an active sex life with my wife from past two years and have sex four or five times a week. In the past four months, blood mixed with semen comes out occasionally. I don’t experience any kind of pain after, during or before sex. Do I have any problem?

The bleed noticed during intercourse could be originating from either of the partners (or even both). In your case it is necessary to first find out where it is coming from. It could very well be originating from your wife, as you do not experience any pain before, during or after sex. If you confirm that it is originating from you, if you have noticed it during masturbation, then it needs further investigation. An occasional bleed, particularly when you have ejaculated after a long gap could be passed off as innocent and does not need any treatment, as it is a common transient phenomenon. However if it is a persistent occurrence, then it definitely suggests either an injury, inflammation, infection or even growth in your uro-genital tract which needs a thorough check up and some investigations. Do consult a uro-surgeon for professional help.  

Long distance relationship
I am a 26-year-old woman in a long distance relationship with a man of the same age. We'd been together for four years before he left to study abroad for two years. He's been away for nine months now and the distance is starting to take its toll on the relationship. My parents don't know about him and are forcing me to get married to someone of their choice. Although I love my boyfriend very much, the distance and the fights are making me think whether we're really suited for each other. I don't want to break up with him without a valid reason but at the same time I don't know if the relationship will survive for the next two years while we're so far away from each other.

Distant relationships can be quite challenging for a couple, however, if there is a genuine and matured compatibility between the two, distance can even make the heart grow fonder. Both of you are obviously constantly in touch via all the modern means of instant communication like the internet, mobile etc. which is why you are able to chat, and thus, to ‘fight’. In your case it seems to be less about the distance and more about incompatibilities, because the distance between both of you is only physical. It is not as if you cannot communicate with each other. In fact, your communication is obviously bringing to light certain crucial areas in which there are huge disagreements, which was probably not so when you’ll were physically together and enjoying the ‘romance’. It is always better to ‘know’ each others values on crucial issues related to sharing a life together, before one ties the knot to avoid complications later. In your case, you have got this opportunity now, which is good. Take advantage of this distance, and discuss everything related a ‘life’ together to know whether both of you can reach a win-win solution, or then are there ‘deal-breakers’ for either one or both. To know which issues to discuss, you could see a pre-marital counselor, and then initiate a sincere dialogue with your boyfriend. You could then discuss any ‘deal-breakers’ with the counselor to evaluate whether this relationship has a future or not.

Cannot find clitoris
I am a 20-year-old girl. I have learned that the clitoris plays a major role in sexual pleasure; however I am unable to find my clitoris. I am worried! Help!
It can be a rather difficult sometimes to find a woman’s clitoris. This is mainly because women's genitals come in many different sizes and shapes. Each one is different and unique! To make matters worse, there are clitorises that are, though normal, very small and deeply hidden under the skin folds. Many girls/women also do not know where to look for their clitoris or how does it look like since they have never been encouraged to inspect and explore their vulva. For all these reasons, do not feel bad if you are unable to find your clitoris, when you first go looking for it.

First have a closer look at a diagram of the female external genitalia and understand the anatomy. To find a woman's clitoris you first need to locate and identify the inner lips (labia minora). This is because the clitoris is located at the point where inner lips/labia meet, near the top of her genital cleft. Some inner labia merge at the bottom of the clitoral glans, at a point called the frenulum, others merge with the hood, and many others do both.

There are normal women who have almost no inner labial tissue. In these cases you may have to look for the clitoris itself. If a woman's clitoris is erect (taking into consideration whether her clitoris has this characteristic), it is generally easier to locate; since it will feel ‘firm’ to your touch, and not spongy and soft like the surrounding tissue. You could also visit a gynecologist for a clinical examination to alleviate your anxieties about your clitoris.

Remember, the sexual pleasure does not depend on the size of your clitoris. Even a very small clitoris can derive as much pleasure as a very big one.

Delay condoms
There are many ‘delay’ condoms that have come in the market. My husband wants to use it for extended pleasure. What makes these condoms prolong the intercourse? Can they be harmful in any manner?

All ‘delay’ condoms are pre-lubricated with anesthetic jelly. Anesthetic jelly is expected to reduce the perception of sensations on the penis, thus helping people who experience early ejaculation to have a longer intercourse. However, it does not work in a large number of cases. Desensitization achieved with the help of the chemicals can damage the delicate parts of the penis. There is also the danger that this synthetic anesthetic effect could lead to intercourse being more violent. Such sexual acts tend to get aggressive and thus can be harmful for the sensitive and delicate genital parts of both the partners. Some people also experience irritation and/or itching due to allergy or hypersensitivity to such jellies.

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We are married since a few months. I am 21+ and m
Dr. Rajan B. Bhonsle, M.D. (Bom)
Consulting Sex Therapist & Counsellor
Dr. (Mrs.) Minnu R. Bhonsle, Ph.D.
Consulting Psychotherapist & Counsellor
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