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Heart To Heart

Monday, April 24, 2017

Anxiety about Impotence
I refrain from making sexual overtures with my partner because I fear that I will not be able to have an erection. This is affecting the relationship adversely. Please help me.

Anxiety about impotence ranks first in order of prevalence, in all the sexual fears that men have. Ironically, the fear itself is the greatest cause of impotence. In 90% cases of impotencies, the cause is stemming from the mind (psychogenic). It is only in 10% cases that the cause is biological.
Just as it is not possible to make saliva, tears and digestive juices flow, similarly there is no possible way a man can ‘will’ himself to have an erection. These things happen on their own in response to situations and circumstances. If one involves oneself in ‘relaxed’ foreplay, without ‘spectatoring’ at the organ (waiting for the erection to happen), the erection happens on its own accord. Behind the fear of failure to get an erection is a fundamental anxiety – the fear of being rejected. The partner’s patient understanding and co-operation plays a very important role in getting over such psychogenic impotence.

Aging Parents And Baby-Sitting
My wife and I have been having a very disturbing life because of my son. At present he is taken care of by a day care center. My wife wants my old parents to take care of him for the only reasons that they took care of my nephews earlier. She refuses to understand that they were young and healthy at that time. She feels they are refusing intentionally. Due to this she constantly taunts me, speaks degrading things about my parents, and many times blackmails me emotionally. This has made life a hell for me. I am unable to concentrate on my work and in fact it is also affecting my relation with her and my son. I want some help to if not get rid of the problem to overcome the same.

Every working parent prefers that their child be looked after by family rather than by a stranger. It seems that your wife is not convinced that your old parents are unable to take care of your son, or else she would not insist. You say that there is a major problem with your aging parents baby-sitting your son and that your wife’s insistence is unreasonable. One needs to explore if and why she has a distorted perception of the situation. She needs to be understood and then counselled about her ‘unreasonable’ expectations. In this regard, both of you need to see a counsellor together to find a win-win solution and sort out the matter amicably once and forever.

Talking to Children about sex
I am a mother of two growing children who have asked me questions about sex. I know, I need to talk to them about sex. I wonder, why do I feel uncomfortable talking about sex with my children? What do I do about it?

Most of the parents feel this way, and It is not surprising. Invariably reasons are as follows.

  • Many of us were taught that sex is too "dirty" for words.
  • Many of us feel that talking about sex is unladylike or ungentlemanly.
  • Many of us are afraid that we do not have all the answers.
  • It is hard for some of us to admit our children are sexual.
  • It is even hard for some of us to admit that we are sexual.
  • And many of us ‘fear’ the possible sexual feelings between our children and us.

But we can be open with them about our feelings. You can use an opening line like, "This is hard for me to talk about. My parents and I never discussed these things. But I want you to have someone to talk with, so feel free to ask me " .

Do not cover up your feelings or avoid the issue. That will make matters worse. Start a conversation, keep it going, and be open from the beginning. Just remember - information about sexuality is as important as food, shelter, and loving care. If you still feel that despite getting comfortable you don’t have all the answers, then you could take your children for a sex education session to a sex counsellor.

Cleanliness & Attraction
We are married for about three years. My wife lacks the sense of cleanliness. She does not go for waxing regularly. Her armpits always stink. She does not dress up well. Due to her unhygienic habits and shabby get up, I do not feel like having sex with her. I get attracted to other women who are well-groomed. What do I do?

It is important that you bring to her notice very gently and lovingly, your discomfort with the unpleasant odor and any other unhygienic habits. Also suggest to her what she could actively do to eliminate all that, like waxing, using deodorant etc. In fact you could gift her with a beauty salon appointment and a deodorant.
However take care to appreciate the person that she is. Go beyond appearances. Your wife is much more than her body. She is bound to have some good qualities as a wife and the mother of your child. A fulfilling relationship is based on love, care and understanding. Understand that your wife is not responsible for her lack of hygiene or aesthetic sense, because she has probably been brought up in such an environment and lacked exposure to the finer aspects of life. However she is definitely responsible for doing something about it, and here is where you come into the picture. You could very lovingly and actively help her with this transition and grow closer in the bargain.

Heart To Heart Counselling Centre runs Certificate courses in Counselling & Sex Education at 10 Jerbai Baug, Byculla (E), Mumbai-27.
Tel: 23755866 / 9821093902.

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I am a robust, healthy man in my early thirties.
Dr. Rajan B. Bhonsle, M.D. (Bom)
Consulting Sex Therapist & Counsellor
Dr. (Mrs.) Minnu R. Bhonsle, Ph.D.
Consulting Psychotherapist & Counsellor
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Aries (Mar 21 - Apr 20)
Aries (Mar 21 - Apr 20)Difficulties at work will have to be resolved with a totally new approach. Past experience may not be of much help. You will have to look for answers and be patient. Keep relationship cordial both at home and at work. An outing or social get-together could leave you feeling drained.
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