Can’t Feel Pleasure during Intercourse
Q: I recently got married. We have started engaging in sexual intercourse, however I do not seem to enjoy it much. I do not “feel” much pleasure during intercourse. Is there something wrong with me? Am I a freak?
A: This is a question we frequently receive from newly married young women! You are not alone, and no… there is nothing unusually wrong with you!
Given the significance of engaging in peno-vaginal intercourse, and the manner in which it is depicted in movies, many young and old couples have quite an unrealistic expectation of it. Many young men and women expect it to be this wild and wonderful experience that includes explosion of intense pleasure. Many young women are understandably confused and puzzled when they try it a few times and do not find it as delightful and fascinating for them as they expected. They continue doing it because they believe the expected experience must be right around the corner, if only they keep trying.
They have these unrealistic expectations that are never met. Everyone else is supposedly enjoying it so that must indicate there is something wrong with her if she does not. This is basically not true!
Women often enjoy sexual intercourse only after developing a closer emotional bond with their partner. They also need to be more relaxed and engage actively in a prolonged and mutually pleasurable foreplay. May be, you need to explore different ways of foreplay and communicate to your husband about what pleasures you. We suggest you engage in a longer foreplay in a relaxed state of mind and get actively involved and be fully participative while making love. With a satisfying and extended foreplay, it might be easier for you to enjoy intercourse. Moreover, adopting the woman-on-top position also increases your chances of experiencing more pleasure and even an orgasm.
Some assertiveness training
Q: One of my colleagues keeps borrowing money from me and does not return it. The problem is she doesn’t ask for huge amounts but for small sums like Rs 100 or Rs 50 or sometimes even Rs 10. The problem is she keeps borrowing from me every other day. Now I don’t want to give her any more money but don’t know how to refuse her without spoiling relations at work.
A: What you need is some assertiveness training. You need to communicate to your friend in no uncertain terms about how you feel about the issue without making it sound accusatory e.g. You could say, ‘I feel troubled with your borrowing money periodically without returning it on your own. It is likely that it might be slipping your mind, however, it creates an uncomfortable situation if I have to keep an account of it and ask for it. I would prefer it if money did not enter our equation as colleagues, so that out relationship can be a more relaxed and comfortable one for both of us.’ This communication is an effective yet non-hurtful way of putting forth your valid concern. In case, she takes offence to a constructive communication such as this, it would only demonstrate that she is unwilling to mend her ways, and yet wants to get away with being inconsiderate and insensitive to your feelings about the same. If she does in fact pout or throw an adult tantrum, tell yourself, ‘good riddance’, and go on with life, patting yourself on your back for learning assertiveness.
Aversion for Kissing
Q: I have a rare problem: my husband doesn’t kiss me the way I like it. I desire deep kissing during lovemaking or it feels impersonal. The best he can do is a quick pucker. I try but he stiffens and pulls away and my arousal disappears. We make love often and have a two-year-old son. I feel as if my sex life is inadequate. I have tried to show him what I want but he seems totally incapable of understanding. He is a wonderful man and feels he is failing me, and rather than add to his hurt, I simply keep my mouth shut, literally! Please tell me that I don't have to live with this for the rest of my life.
A: I have heard of women with your concern. There are several possibilities in such cases. Most of the time the cause is a deep-rooted psychological ‘bias’ related to kissing or even with intimacy in general, mostly due to physical and/or psychological trauma in the earlier years of his life. He may or may not be consciously aware of its origin (causative factor) in his childhood, which is hidden in his subconscious mind. May be as a child he was excessively kissed by relatives and did not like it. There is a possibility that he was sexually abused by someone that involved oral stimulation and he felt painfully helpless in that experience and despised it. Probably he is afraid of the degree of intimacy that is involved with the type of kissing you desire. Maybe the problem stems from something as simple as bad breath, real or imagined. May be he thinks he has a bad breath and doesn't want to kiss because of that, or may be he feels you have it and he doesn't want to hurt your feelings. There might be many other reasons. It is possible to help him, and you as couple, if he is willing to take help from an expert. Do consult a sex counsellor who is experienced in handling such cases. He will require ‘psychoanalysis’ as well as ‘psychotherapy’ to get easy with kissing and intimacy. You don't have to live the rest of your life without being kissed!
Heart To Heart Counselling Centre runs Certificate courses in Counselling & Sex Education at 10 Jerbai Baug, Byculla (E), Mumbai-27.
Tel: 23755866 / 9821093902.