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Heart To Heart

Monday, February 13, 2017

Circumcision in women

I am a 23-year-old Muslim girl. I was circumcised in my childhood and do not have a clitoris. Can I enjoy sex after my marriage?
If only the hood of the clitoris (prepuce) is removed during circumcision, and the clitoris itself is uncut, you should not have any problem in enjoying sexual pleasure from clitoral stimulation. However, if the clitoris itself is excised, then you may not be able to derive pleasure that is experienced at the clitoris. However, it is not the end of sexual pleasure.

It is true that the clitoris provides sexual pleasure; however it is not the ONLY place in the female genitalia that gives sexual pleasure. The Labia Minora (Inner lips), some portion of the Labia Majora (Outer lips), outer 1/3rd of the Vaginal canal are also sensitive to sexual stimulation and  sexual pleasure can be experienced through these areas during normal sexual activity.

Is it possible to love two persons
I am in a fix. I have been happily married for 4 years now. However, I have not married my first love. I could not marry my first love as at that time I had lost faith that he loved me. Now call it fate, I met him again accidentally. He says he still loves me. He stays in a different town. Lately I have started missing him, thinking about him and even fantasizing about him. Not that I do not love my husband. I have feelings for my husband too. Is it possible to love two persons at the same time? Should I be in touch with by boy friend through telephone or Emails just as a friend?  I am perplexed. Help me.

You say that you had felt that your first love did not love you and therefore you broke up. Well, the affair ended there but probably your self-image could not take it. Your current feelings for your first love are nothing but a need to massage your injured pride. You want to feel that he cares for YOU. You need to re-define the meaning of love in order to live a meaningful life. True love is thinking of what you can give to your beloved. “It is in giving that you receive”. You say that you are happily married, so we presume that your physical and emotional needs are fulfilled in this relationship. In that case you seem to be taking your husband’s love for granted and are thinking only of yourself and what you want. Don’t you think that’s a wee bit selfish? As far as keeping in touch with your old flame is concerned we do not think it is a very good idea. You would be lying to yourself if you said that it is only for friendship. Try giving in love instead of receiving and you will find great joy and fulfillment in your married life. In case you are still unable to resolve your feelings and find clarity in your life, we would strongly suggest that you see a psychotherapist.

Some assertiveness training
One of my colleagues keeps borrowing money from me and does not return it. The problem is she doesn’t ask for huge amounts but for small sums like Rs 100 or Rs 50 or sometimes even Rs 10. The problem is she keeps borrowing from me every other day. Now I don’t want to give her any more money but don’t know how to refuse her without spoiling relations at work.

What you need is some assertiveness training. You need to communicate to your friend in no uncertain terms about how you feel about the issue without making it sound accusatory e.g. You could say, ‘I feel troubled with your borrowing money periodically without returning it on your own. It is likely that it might be slipping your mind, however, it creates an uncomfortable situation if I have to keep an account of it and ask for it. I would prefer it if money did not enter our equation as colleagues, so that out relationship can be a more relaxed and comfortable one for both of us.’ This communication is an effective yet non-hurtful way of putting forth your valid concern. In case, she takes offence to a constructive communication such as this, it would only demonstrate that she is unwilling to mend her ways, and yet wants to get away with being inconsiderate and insensitive to your feelings about the same. If she does in fact pout or throw an adult tantrum, tell yourself, ‘good riddance’, and go on with life, patting yourself on your back for learning assertiveness.

How to restore the relation
I am in first year college and have been madly in love with a girl my age since I was in class 8. It appeared that she loved me to. I had her phone number and rang her up in spite of her asking me not to do so. I think her parents found out about it. She refuses to talk to me and says she is not interested in me. I have pleaded with her but to no avail. Please tell me how to restore the relation. I can't live without her.

First of all both of you are way too young. You have very correctly written ‘it appeared that she loved me’. So you are willing to re-evaluate your interpretation of her ‘way of talking’. That is good.  You have also acknowledged that you went against her ‘specific wishes’ to not call her. We are sure you can understand if she is upset and angry with you. Not respecting her wishes amounts to not respecting her i.e. what you want is more important to you than what she needs. It is possible that she has been placed in an uncomfortable situation at home due to your actions as both of you are so young. If she is part of an orthodox family then the situation could be worse. We think a sincere apology is in order. Remember ~ Love is caring about the other more than yourself.

 

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I am a robust, healthy man in my early thirties.
Dr. Rajan B. Bhonsle, M.D. (Bom)
Consulting Sex Therapist & Counsellor
Dr. (Mrs.) Minnu R. Bhonsle, Ph.D.
Consulting Psychotherapist & Counsellor
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Aries (Mar 21 - Apr 20)
Aries (Mar 21 - Apr 20)You have a good chance of improving your image at your work place by coming up with a neat solution to a problem. In your business if you wish to make optimum use of your capital cut some wasteful expenditure and improve productivity. For Property issues wait for a more opportune time.
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