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Heart To Heart

Monday, December 19, 2016

Responsibility of the consequences
Since 2009, I came to know her and started meeting her. As we got closer, she offered to go to a outskirt resort for weekend leading to our physical relationship. At that time she was just 18yrs [though we already knew that we cannot marry in future as we come from different religions.] After few meetings once or twice we had unsafe sex which led to her getting pregnant. We both got scared and tried some medicines. This was in vein, as pregnancy could not be terminated. Then we decided to go for medical abortion. After that I started avoiding her. In the meantime, she had already started expecting me to marry her as it became my moral responsibility. But keeping in view the social structure, I already informed her that this is impossible. She started compelling to meet me here and there which I did for some time. Please advice keeping in view that we cannot marry at any case what are the other problems and how to act in future especially for her. She has told me if she marries somebody else she can be interrogated by him and if not then at the time of next pregnancy the Doctors may recognize that she was pregnant earlier.
With sexual freedom comes the responsibility of the consequences of that freedom, and  hope both of you have learnt this, albeit the hard way. You say that it was very clear to both of you from the beginning that the marriage is not going to take place and you are not making any change in this stance ( I will not counsel you on this issue as that is not your question . However, I would have been interested to know why in this day and age, your different backgrounds are considered a problem). Since both of you jointly and willingly engaged in unprotected sex, the responsibility to handle the problem is also joint. Unfortunately, most people consider sex to be a physical act, and completely ignore the emotional repercussions of engaging in the act. It is not only the body but also the emotions which are involved. The scars of the body may fade with time, but what about emotional scars ?

I would have liked to know whether your sexual partner/girlfriend expects you to marry her only because of the fear of being found out in future, or because she is deeply emotionally involved with you. Was her participation willing ‘casual’ sex which she is now wanting to turn into marriage for convenience, or was the involvement ‘of the heart’. My advice will vary accordingly. She should put her true feelings in words either to me at this site so that I can counsel her, or then she should see a counsellor to have a sense of direction. I also advise that she should see a gynecologist to clarify whether her fear of the first pregnancy being detected is valid or not. She may either be pleasantly surprised to know that after a period of time the uterus reverts back to its pre-pregnancy state, or then her fear will be confirmed. Therefore, it is better if she takes the opinion of a gynecologist on this issue.

What is pre-cum?
What exactly is pre-cum. If man’s pre-cum enters woman’s vagina, can she become pregnant with it? Does pre-cum contain sperms? Kindly clarify.

The pre-cum better known as ‘Pre-ejaculatory fluid’ comes from the “bulbo-urethral glands” located at the base of the penis shaft. It serves the purpose of lubrication during intercourse. Generally this fluid is not expected to have sperms. However, very often sperms are found to be present accidentally in the pre-cum, which can result in pregnancy.

A grieving process
I am 26 yrs, I got married two yrs ago and last year my wife had sex with another boy in her parents home, she's even carrying his child...I was a virgin b4 marriage & sexually weak at that time due to smoking, she was just the opposite. I trusted & loved her a lot, everything was cool till 1st year until she got pregnant & ran away. I feel very sad and even cry sometimes. I feel “Why me?” What should I do?

You are going through a grieving process, grieving the betrayal of trust. It is natural to feel angry and even very sad. The grieving process is in this order - shock and denial, anger, sadness and then finally the thought ‘what do I do now?’ So after you are over your sorrow, it is important to gather your emotions and look ahead. You have an entire life ahead of you and you have to take back control of it. With or without the relationship, life does go on, and beautifully too, if only you open yourself to it. Do see a sex counsellor and therapist if you feel there is any sexual weakness. You may be pleasantly surprised to know that any problem that you might have is easily rectifiable. So seek a consultation as soon as you can from a qualified sex therapist.

Difficulty with erection
I am married for eight years. my age is 35 and my wife is 30. since last one year I am facing problem of not getting proper erection.  is there any treatment for this trouble? Can you advice some medicine for me?

Your condition is medically termed as erectile dysfunction. The treatment depends on the cause of your erectile dysfunction. There are many organic (physical) as well as psychogenic causes for this problem. If it is due to psychogenic or situational causes, the treatment will be ‘sex counselling’ and ‘supportive therapy’. If the cause is organic or constitutional, then appropriate medical or surgical measures will have to be undertaken. It is necessary to find out the cause (diagnosis) of this problem first, through history taking, physical examination and investigations. Once the cause is found, only then can the treatment be advised.

Heart To Heart Counselling Centre runs Certificate courses in Counselling & Sex Education at 10 Jerbai Baug, Byculla (E), Mumbai-27.
Tel: 23755866 / 9821093902.

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I recently got married. It was an arranged marria
Dr. Rajan B. Bhonsle, M.D. (Bom)
Consulting Sex Therapist & Counsellor
Dr. (Mrs.) Minnu R. Bhonsle, Ph.D.
Consulting Psychotherapist & Counsellor
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