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Heart To Heart

Monday, December 05, 2016

Extramarital attraction
I am working at a very senior position in my office. I have the most beautiful and caring wife and I am happily married with 2 kids. No problems on the home front. My problem is that i have a strong urge to have sex with another woman (not my wife). Any woman between 16 to 33 I feel I should go to bed with her. It could be with the a young female doctor treating me or my wife’s friend, my colleague. Soceital pressure and fear of bad name has prevented me so far. But the urge is growing everyday. Please help.

There are 3 levels of functioning in a person — the level of ‘experience’ , the level of ‘awareness of the experience’ and the level of ‘decision’. If you are experiencing attraction and are aware of what you are experiencing it is okay uptil that point. But when you nurse and nurture this attraction and also want to translate your fantasies into reality, I must say that you are walking on a “self-destructive path”. If you need to look outside your marriage for fulfillment of your emotional needs and now physical needs too, then it is a sure indicator that there is a problem in the marriage, however much you may deny it. There could be something that you need and are not getting either because you have not expressed it, or else your wife is not willing to fulfill these needs. However, at this point, I must specify that there is a difference between a ‘need’ and a ‘want’, which brings us to the other reason for looking outside your marriage, i.e.  if your legitimate and valid ‘needs’ are being fulfilled, but your ‘wants’ and ‘desires’ are not being fulfilled. If so then you need to explore why you are driven to put your marriage at risk and perhaps even sacrifice the happiness of your family (beautiful and caring wife and two kids ) at the altar of your desires. Very often such compulsive behavior has its roots in your past. For this your psycho-sexual history needs to be explored. I would strongly recommend that you see a counsellor at your earliest, so that you can gain in clarity about yourself and the direction of your life. Do not make any decision without such clarity or else you may spend a lifetime regretting the choices that you have made.

Sex during menses
I am 23 years old married woman. My husband is 27 years old. We are married for three months. I wish to know, how safe or unsafe it is to indulge in sexual intercourse during menses? If we indulge in intercourse during menses, will it affect our health in any manner?

Biologically, sexual intercourse during the menses is not at all unsafe. If both partners are comfortable and willing, then they can have sexual intercourse during the menses without affecting their health. However, from the cleanliness point of view, it may not be very aesthetic to have intercourse during the menstrual flow.

Burning in urine after sex
We are a married couple. We maintain highest standards of hygiene during intercourse. However, whenever we perform intercourse after a long gap my wife gets severe burning in urine.  Our family doctor says, it is urinary infection. Help!

Mechanical rubbing during intercourse can cause urethral inflammation in females. In spite of all the so-called hygienic precautions, infection can enter the inflamed urethra and bladder causing urinary infection.

This is a common complaint known as ‘honeymoon urethritis’. Whenever there is a ‘gap’, excitement levels are high. This causes aggressive movements and harder rubbing of organs. An aggressive mechanical rubbing during intercourse causes this problem. Try to be gentle during intercourse. Women enjoy it better that way. Also engage in prolonged (20-25 minutes) and mutually satisfying foreplay. This will produce adequate lubrication in her vagina for an enjoyable intercourse. Lack of lubrication (which is likely to be either due to a lack of interest, lack of relaxation during the act or lack of adequate foreplay) can also be the cause of urethral (or even vaginal) injury and inflammation.

Get Real
I am 20-year-old college students. I am sexually attracted towards a 41-year-old single woman staying in our society. Very often I masturbate fantasizing about having sex with her. I am strongly feeling like proposing real sexual relationship with her. Should I propose actual physical intimacy to her?

She is 41 and you are 20. The biologically maturing man in you is feeling attracted to a biologically full-blown woman. That is a natural occurrence. But a human being is not just confined to his biology. He has been gifted with “discrimination”, something that animals do not possess. Use this power to discriminate and discern, and you will see for yourself that nurturing thoughts about this woman can only leave you psychologically de-stabilized with immense psychological scars.

There are three levels of functioning in a person — the level of ‘experience’, the level of ‘awareness of the experience’ and the level of ‘decision’. If you are experiencing attraction and are aware of what you are experiencing, it is OK till that point. But when you nurse and nurture this attraction in your fantasies, and also want to translate your fantasies into reality, I must say that you are walking on a “self-destructive path”. Get out of this situation immediately. Do not nurse or nurture, but in fact ‘actively’ discourage thoughts of this woman. What you need to do is to get going in the real world and mingle with those in your age group. There are a lot of attractive young women of your age out there, if only you will come out of your internal world. Make an active effort to be available to newer ‘real’ relationships. Also focus your energies on career-building and other creative pursuits. You have a long way to go, so work towards creating a real, fulfilling and meaningful life for yourself.

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Dr. Rajan B. Bhonsle, M.D. (Bom)
Consulting Sex Therapist & Counsellor
Dr. (Mrs.) Minnu R. Bhonsle, Ph.D.
Consulting Psychotherapist & Counsellor
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