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Don’t Hit Send...

Thursday, April 20, 2017

Getting over a flame can be a tough task, and you could often be left wanting to text your ex. But, should you? Take a step back and think about it before you do, says Jagruti Verma

Relationships are no walk in the park. They need a lot of work and nurturing, and you may spend hours of your time and years of your life making sure that yours is flourishing. However, sometimes things end and we can’t help but feel hard done by it. And, if you’re a giving, loving person, you’ll likely have fallen into a neat little system, where you would call or text your partner every time something (good or bad) happened in your life. And, when you’re no longer a couple, you may still feel the urge to text them — that’s just natural. Here are a few things you should keep in mind before you press the send button, just so that you won’t regret it later.

Question yourself
Why is it so important to share a piece of information with your ex, especially since you don’t wish to associate yourself romantically with them anymore? When a relationship ends, it’s only natural to want to get back with them, and keeping in touch is a way to achieve that. So, question your motives before hitting send on that text. It’s always a good idea not to text your ex if you’re feeling vulnerable; take time out and let the feeling subside before making that decision.

The green zone
If the relationship ended because both of you wanted to — if it was mutual — then an occasional friendly and innocent “hello” should be fine. However, don’t use this as an excuse to text your ex. Make sure not to let nostalgia get in the way and ruin your chances of moving on. Try not to let attachment build and understand that to truly let go and move on, you need to be away for a while.

Red flags
If your relationship ended due to turbulence or an unmanageable situation, you’re bound to remember only the good times when you’re feeling down. And, this is when you are most vulnerable to texting your ex. But, this is exactly when you shouldn’t! Try and distract yourself by talking to people or meeting with friends. Don’t bottle up your emotions. Instead, make sure you let it out from time to time. However, don’t make it such that your friends take the place of your ex.

Understand limits & boundaries
One of the most important things to keep in mind is that there are certain limits you should consider — a wall you should build in your mind and become stronger behind it. Don’t give in to the temptation of texting them just because you’re curious whether they have moved on yet. They may or may not have, but it is not your responsibility to find out by texting them!

Contemplate, don’t assume
A relationship’s end can be just as taxing for one partner as it is for the other. And, both of you may need very different things to get the healing process started. Just because your partner seems to be stuck, you shouldn’t assume that they want to get back together and that your text could work as a trigger. You are free to contemplate the chances, but don’t assume. And, definitely don’t act on it.

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I am a robust, healthy man in my early thirties.
Dr. Rajan B. Bhonsle, M.D. (Bom)
Consulting Sex Therapist & Counsellor
Dr. (Mrs.) Minnu R. Bhonsle, Ph.D.
Consulting Psychotherapist & Counsellor
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