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The dilemma of love

Wednesday, April 11, 2018
By Osho

She wants to be with him more, and he wants more space.

It has to be understood and it is not only with [your partner]: it happens to every couple. It is one of the most important things to be understood in a relationship; if you don't understand it then the relationship is on the rocks.

And this is very fundamental: people have a need to be together as much as they have a need to be separate and on their own. It is a rhythm. To be together too much is tiring. To be together too much is nauseating. And it doesn't mean that the other person does not love you; that is a misunderstanding. If [he] wants to be alone for a few hours, wants to be just left to himself, it does not mean that he is not in love with you. It simply means that he loves you; that's why he needs the space....

Whenever one partner wants to be left alone the other feels rejected.   And lovers cannot understand that. "How can it be? -- that he needs to be with himself more than he wants to be with me? If he loves me, then he would like to be with me."

This is a very ancient misunderstanding created by the romantic poets, and those are the last people to understand anything about love. In fact, they write poetry about love because they have missed love in life; it is a substitute. They romanticize it.

The idea has penetrated deep into human consciousness that if you love a person then he will love you twenty-four hours a day. That is utter nonsense. If you really love a person then there will be moments when you would like to be absolutely alone. If you don't love, you can live together twenty-four hours a day -- then there is no problem, because even with the person you are alone. There is no problem. One can live in the crowd twenty-four hours a day and there is not much of a problem, because one is alone in the crowd. Where else can one be more alone? Commuting in a train with thousands of people you are alone. In New York, in Bombay, in London, walking on the streets you are alone. The moment you are with a friend whom you love, you are not alone.

Love is food, it is nourishment. So when you are in love with a person a moment comes when you are saturated, satiated. Now that is the moment to get up from your dining table. In fact, before that -- if lovers are conscious, as they should be-- before your stomach is absolutely full get up. Leave a little space in your stomach. And the same should be the rule with your lover: when you start feeling that now it is coming to a point of satiation, leave each other alone; otherwise beyond that point it becomes nauseating.

Nobody says so, because it looks so hard and ugly to say to the lover that being together becomes nauseating. But I have to tell you the truth.

 The truth is: there is a point when being together becomes nauseating and it only becomes nauseating when you are in love, otherwise not. Because in love you are eating each other, actually, literally: you are feeding on each other's energy. That's why love is so nourishing.  

And the problem is more so with men than with women; that too has to be understood. A man's love is only part of his life; he has many more things to do. A woman's love is her whole life. If she does something else that is only because she loves -- she cooks, she prepares the home, she cleans; she does a thousand and one things. Maybe she composes music, poetry, paints, but deep down she is doing all this because she loves. These are just her expressions of love. If she loves the man then she will paint the walls and put paintings on the walls and she will make the house beautiful. But her whole concern is not the beauty of the house; her whole concern is the man she loves.

Love is a woman's whole life. For man, that is not so. For man love is one of many things.

Excerpted from God Has Got a Thing About You/Osho Times International/Courtesy Osho International Foundation/www.osho.com

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